So since the last time I wrote on the blog a lot changed, we moved, we mourned and we celebrated. It has been a year so let me recap it for you.
Feb 2017 – June 2017
This was a devastating time in our lives, we had a miscarriage. I have never felt more alone in my life than I did then. We lost the poor soul at around 7 weeks and according to stats, we were the 1 in 4. During this time Adam didn’t have a job and we were looking at moving back to Glasgow. My career was really hard and stressful, they decided to change job roles and I did not like my new role. So with this Adam had to leave for an interview this week. So overall I was stressed. Now I know there are real reasons why you would have a miscarriage the little thing didn’t develop, it was natures choice, your body rejected it. But in the back of my mind, I kept hearing this voice it’s you that caused it. Here is what happened on that day:
This really broke my heart, we started the day normally on a Sunday and slept in. We cuddled in bed and talked about what our future plans would look like. We decided to get out because it was a lovely day, we drove up to pick up my laptop from work and get a milkshake. When we drove back I felt uncomfortable, I had some pain and knew something was off. Now being my first pregnancy I was anxious and Googled to death. Adam then convinced me to do something to distract myself, so I painted. I sat outside with my painting and finished a painting I was working on. In my head I tried my best to not think the worst but to be honest I knew. So the day went and we went to bed, I woke up to a nightmare. There was blood in my undies and when I went to the bathroom it all passed (TMI I know). My heart and mind went to a really dark place and it stayed there until Sam my boy’s 20-week scan. More about this later. I walked into our room and woke Adam and we then called 111 and went to early assessment. They confirmed it and that was it. To the public eye, we handled it as good as someone can in that circumstance. But what they didn’t see was that we cried that whole day in bed, I was in so much pain that I took a week off work. I vowed of doing anything I enjoy for a very long time, no painting, no drawing, no blogging. I genuinely believed it was my fault that this happened. I blamed myself for not being fit and healthy, I blamed what I ate that day, I kept on finding ways to blame myself. Now looking back I can see that I wanted to punish myself for some bizarre reason. This is what we said on Facebook:
“We have some sad news to share with you. On Monday we suffered a miscarriage of our first pregnancy. We are very grateful for the support we have received from our family this week. We understand that this is not something that people often talk about and some of you might struggle to talk about it. But we think that it is important to to be open about this and acknowledge this sad event. This week has brought us into contact with the sobering statistic that something like one in four pregnancies end this way which means that many of you will have suffered the same heartache we are experiencing this week but may not have felt able to share that with others. We are not writing this post to get sympathy for ourselves but hopefully to break down that taboo, just a little bit. If you have suffered the pain of a miscarriage or do so in the future, please feel able to reach out to us if you want someone to talk to it about and support you through a horrible time.”
Then we moved to Glasgow, through this all me and Adam were not in a good place. I called these the dark ages. I felt alone and did not seek out God actively, I am just being honest here. We all go through times where we ask God the following questions:
- Why me?
- Do you even love me?
- Why do you let me feel this way?
- When will it get better?
Now looking back I can answer every one of those questions, He wants me to share my experience of the miscarriage because it might help someone out there. Yes, He loves me endlessly, and I felt this way because it was natural to be angry at Him. And when will it get better? Well, it is always better if you reflect on it. We are blessed with a great support network, we are not homeless and He always provided financially.
July 2017 – Now
Well, then we moved back to Glasgow and my gorgeous niece was born. This was her about a couple of days old, it was a really hard and blessed moment for me. I longed for having my own and the hurt that came with it. I also felt endless love for that little bundle right there. And I have to admit every time I see her the first thing she does is give me a great big smile. She doesn’t know how much that means to me yet. But one day I will tell her this story and tell her that she was my little hope and joy at a really dark time in my life.
Then came a wedding with pims… and a positive test. I was pregnant with Sam. This was our Facebook announcement: “What is this, hooman?” Poor Darth has no idea what’s about to happen to him!
We are pleased to announce that we are 13 weeks pregnant and have a new McLean due in March!”
Right now I can tell you they are not friends but they are working on their relationship ;). What more can I say about being pregnant, I hated it but felt blessed. I couldn’t wait to meet my boy. He is amazing and read the book on the newborn bay. He sleeps well, eats well and to top it of he is a handsome boy. Here are a couple of pictures.
He is now about 6 weeks old, Adam and myself got babtised last weekend but that is another post for another day. I am going to try and blog once a week to help keep things updated. I also hope you like the new website. Give me a shout out if you read this. 😀